Singlehood

I've not been single for two years ? And now I'm back to being single. After much encouragement from all my friends and kingdom family, I chose to take this step and just move on in life. My struggles were not my own, they were burdens that was dumped on me for no good reason. All the insecurity, all the judgments and all the vulgarity his sister gave me, was just too much for me to handle. One was sufficient until the other one decided to tag along. Like COME ON!! I'm so much your senior la, mother father dint teach manners ah? Yeah I think so too, because even the mum was so unfair -.-' So much happened and I know I did my part and I did my mistakes too, I admitted them and I did say sorry but some people cant come to their knees la, they just CANT say sorry. 

So whatever it is, I choose to live in Christ likeness, and argument filled relationship is sure not God planned. So I'm happy for being single now. SO HAPPY.
I'm starting to make friends again, getting to know better men and women of God. Catching up with my long lost friends that I've neglected. I really am happy that I was being put through all that, because if it wasnt of the relationship, I wouldnt be able to see how amazing my imperfect family was. I have the greatest parents and I'm really thankful for their parenting skills. Not perfect but they sure instill the best in me. Thankful for a brother that doesnt judge, a mum that is so generous and a dad that is so loving. I give Jesus my loudest and best praise for all that I've gone through. It has sure come to a good end.

Love life, love my family. Above all, I love Jesus :D


Love,
Pam

Things in life

Well, there are a few things I can be thankful for today despite my quiz not going so well...

1.  I did not fail the quiz and managed a boderline pass although I hardly read a single thing
2.  I came early to uni that allowed me to do my printing and work without any hassel or waiting.
3.  I'm able to have a really good breakfast by myself reading Captivating & knowing I wasnt exactly having breakfast alone but God was sitting with me.
4.  I completed & printed my assignment before time and did not wait till last minute
5.  I have so much time left and it has given me the opportunity to blog.

So this is the summary of my day so far. I'm sure there is so much to be thankful for by the time it's for me to sleep. Recently, I've started journaling again. Building a culture of journaling is definitely not easy especially when I have to spare that time for it but my sacrifice is for the better. I might struggle now but it's not for too long because building a culture means u are meant to be challenged along the way.

I feel super blessed. *bighugesmiles*

Have a blessed day.

Love,
Pam

The funny thing

Problems are never ending. Just right now, I'm having one & it's the same one..from day one. I'm really tired of pushing & pulling. What do I do ? Do i make a decision to just push or to pull ? Like which one will be right for me ? Argh!

Hmm, I know I've been quite free for the past two weeks and I should have at least do some posting here..like get something useful up. something about ME. Seriously, I really dint have the motivation to actually blog with pictures lately. I'm thinking of a revamp for my blog & give it a toss & turn & make it all new. I want a fresh start. Since I'm starting new with everything else including life, giving it a second chance and trying to look at it in a whole different perspective, I should also totally allow my entire self to get a new vibe. So I thought maybe I just might give a relook to the blog & totally blog about what I really love & like & share whatever so.. lol.


Alright. so that's all for now. I've a whole list of chores to complete & a bag to pack. I'm going back to university baybeh.


Love,
Pam

It's never easy. Life is never easy...praying real hard for salvation now. Salvation of my loved ones. I dont know why but I'm judged everytime for my faith. I was told yesterday that my uncle doesnt want to help me because I converted. Really? But he is forgetting, that Jesus was the one who made the world. How ever much I may be judged, the truth will definitely be revealed real soon. As broken as I can be deep within me, I do not need help from anyone from my relatives because I've let them go long ago. I want to live my life for Jesus and I dont want to lose that opportunity of tasting his goodness.

I've been a Christian for 3 years now, life has been beautiful. I know nothing can be compared to the love he can give me because I've tasted it. I've walked a long way to be at a position that I am with him now. How ever hard the enemy can try to pull me down, and make me feel clueless, I will not give up on Him. The enemy can try, I love to see how God always keeps winning the battle. So, he can keep coming back for so many things in my life. He can attack me, but my God will always hold me tight in His arms. I've a protective God and I know that.

As hurt as I can be with everything that has been happening, I'm strengthen and encouraged by every promise in the bible. Standing firm to fight this battle. Trusting God will provide for me in every area...

hmm, I'm in uber joy to experience His presence whenever I speak about Him... :) he is the lover of my life...!!

& Special thanks to Stephanie Kew....who always encouraged me to see God as a lover and not just stop as God. I love my sister in christ so much... she's one of a kind. I bow down in gratitude for such wonderful people...you've placed in my life...

God bless.

 Love,
Pam 

words cant explain

I've been running. Away from everyone and everything.
I've been running from my responsibilites
I've been running from my duties
I've been running from myself
but worst of all, I've been running away from God.

A random fear built within me.
Coming back to my house of glass totally blot me out of senses.
It was once terribly cracked. A push as soft as feather touch would snap it off and I'd be roofless...
but, He came to rescue. He came to patch back my house of glass. He started mending back the broken pieces.
It was almost perfect until the wicked black widow decided to reappear.

Being away dint help, being away broke my glass of house again.
What seemed almost complete is now broken again.
I'm in despair, I'm hurting inside, the broken particles of my house of glass is poking into my feet.
It's pinching it's way into my veins.

The black widow watches and laughs.
Watches my tears and laughs,
watches my hurt and laughs
watches me being retard and laughs.

I was in misery.

Days passed,
Weeks passed,
and something in me shifted.

It's war again.
This time I'm alone again.
But, my loneliness is and advantage for my Lover.
My loneliness is an opportunity for my Lover.

My Lover's promise is to stand by me,
My Lover's promise is to fight for me
My Lover's promise is to be firm and trust Him.

Now as I rise again,
letting my wounds be healed by Him,
My fight is stronger than before...
This time no more running away.
No more being a coward.
No more...
because I have Him with me.

I have Jesus.
and through Him I live in victory.

:) 

International Women's Day

It's a beautiful feeling to be in love.
I'm thankful to God that despite everything I still have one person to pour out my love to and that is HIM. What joy. I've always wished that beauty remain as something unconditional, but the world has set targets and rules to being beautiful that some of us are living in deception.

The truth is, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
The world has set size zero as beautiful; flawless skin as beautiful; white fair complexion as beautiful
but God has no boundaries to beauty. The inner beauty is what matters to him, you inmost beauty will make your outer beauty to spark like a star. Dont give up. Stop reading magazines that tells you 'Just wear a sexy red dress and u'll get the man's attention that is all not true. Because if that was true than why are there still women who tried all those methods still fail badly?

Stick to God's given beauty unto you. It's a gift. :)
Smile, put on some make up (do not over-do) wear your comfiest outfit (not pajamas atleast) and go out and face the world with confidence. Your confidence is what will sweep men off their feet. Be confident of our bodies and trust me self-confidence can do wonders.

Not necessary to dress showing off as much skin as you can,
dress hiding as much skin as you prefer and that will leave men wondering what is under that tent. :)
I'm not saying you cant enjoy flowey knee-length dresses and sleeveless tops. I'm saying do not show off what U know it's a value to you like your cleavage as for an example. :)

Go and spice up your wardrobe. It's time to embrace our inner beauty.


Happy International Women's Day :)


Love,
Pam

Life's jolt

Nadaan Parindey Ghar aaja....
Where ever I go, this song does mean alot to me in this season of life.
So much has happened in the past one month.
I lost so much in the past one month.
I also gained alot from the past one month.
Time took me back to roots.
It took me back to who I really am and what I'm really like

In search of myself, I actually found out my answer.
Now, putting it to practice.
Not easy but I'm not going to give up at all. I know God is faithful.
I know now that I've discovered the true me...
Allowed my inmost voice to speak up.
Life gave me a jolt..
I'm awake now.

Just letting everything to settle and seem more real.
I'm not those kind that lose hope at first try.
I will continue trying.
I know someday things will work as I've always dreamed it would. 

I know my God is in my boat.

Broken For me

Waking up with a burden in my heart,

walking into your presence with a hope in my heart. 

Here I write u a thanks giving. 

 **************

A doll made out of glass. Delicate and fragile. 

Brought into this world with so much pain.

At every corner, he sent his accomplice

trying to harm me even at birth.

As I grew to know the reality of the world, 

he sent more of them to torment me of life

I was never a happy child.

Childhood passed by with brokeness with so little joy. 

Every where I run to find my comfort, 

I've always fallen into the arms of the deceiver. 

Every alley that seemed bright was darkness in disguise.

I've cried, I've screamed.

But wow, how tables have turned. 

It only took 19years.

I hurt no more now,

I cry no more now,

The walls of deceptions have been broken down.

I see the light that is true.

I see the beauty of His love

I see the bright light that pierces through the darkness of my life. 

Oh how the tables have turned now,

the deceivers are trembling beneath my feet  as I laugh & giggle with the lover of my soul.

Sitting on a swing with Him on a hill, overlooking a beautiful place I long to go. 

A place He is preparing for me.
He is not just my father

He is not just my bestfriend

He is my lover and so am the apple of his eye.

When I am upset, 

He comforts me with love,

When I'm hurt, He becomes the doctor of my soul.

When I'm tired, He becomes my pillar of strength. 

My past cannot be erased

my present is a testimony for the future, 

and my future is the gift of my present prayer. 

 

I'm in awe of His greatness.

To Him I sing a new song. 

He is glorious.

Beyond all praise.

He is none other than Jesus :)

Fall to rise

Yeah so success is the end result of the ability to accept failures. I mean checkout the scientists and successful business people, they all come from a failed life, or repeatedly failed projects. So failing is not bad. It's a step close to success. Be proud of your failures, because if you can accept your failures gracefully and still trust that God will come true, He will. He is faithful.

Seasons come and go. Life is like a four season country. Every season expect something different. it's not always the same temperature at every winter. It might be warmer than last year, or colder than next year. Life is actually a surprise. Everyday we are surprised by various situations - good/bad. I've never perceived life that way. I'm trying to atleast. Somethings are easier said than done, but it's not impossible to not do so. Hence, I'm trying *smiles*

Love,
Pam

Great is your love

I'm amazed. I'm enchanted by His love for me that no love can replace the way He loves me. Everything he says about me totally makes me weep like a baby. He is indeed the lover of my soul. Everytime I think of all the things he has done for me, the times I go through a storm, my peace & rescue comes from Him. How great is His love for me.

Stephanie encouraged me once, her love for Jesus is not just Father&child but the love of a true lover. Jesus is the lover of her soul. She encouraged me to look at Him differently. He wants to be the lover of my life, my first true love, the one I will turn to at all times. I'm so empowered.

We make one resolutions at the beginning of the year, because it's new year - that's the norm
but with Jesus we can make resolutions every day small tiny steps or large huge ones because every day is a new day - that's the living of a Christian.

Honestly, I've not regretted a single day that I've surrendered my self to follow Him.
Gosh, what greatness is it following him that even in storm he asks me to be calm and trust Him. No offerings needed to be sacrificed, with Jesus everything is FREE because he owns it all, and all he asks is for my attention and love.

I've diverted, I say sincerely, that I've not been there for Him, but He is with me. I know he is. All I need is to pursue him... I may go astray into the world, but he waits for me at the end of the road, waiting for my return. He sends his angels to watch over me although I'm astray. That is his love for me.

What more can I ask. He is perfect. blemish-free.

:)

Have a blessed day

Love,
Pam

Cousins?

It's Lohri. How do I explain Lohri to you'll. hermms... according to Wikipedia on Lohri it's Lohri is the Punjabis' and Dogras' cultural celebration on the eve of the winter solstice.

If you've watched Veer Zaara, you've find the picture quite familiar. Yeap I took it from the movie. Well that's like a way grand version of Lohri being celebrated. In Malaysia it isnt that great and it's usually celebrated among close friends and family members only.

My cousin brother is hosting this year's Lohri in my late uncle's place. Things have changed and I'm not motivated to attend the event. I'm sure enough that I wont be going but I'm just taking a moment of slipping into the beautiful memories of the past and wondering the 'what if' questions. Well, only one thing comes to my mind, 'What if my uncle was still alive, would Lohri be this boring?' I sure do know if my uncle was still alive, I'd be in my uncle's house now helping out, my aunts would have come in the morning and there would be loud laughter and crazy jokes being passed around. The sound of my uncle's vespa. The sound of my uncle screaming at my cousin for annoying me. The joy on his face to have his new born grandson in his arms. What if my uncle was still alive, this family wouldnt be apart like how it is now.

It's quite sad how everyone have moved on, and because I'm the youngest and I'm being left to grow alone. No family ties. All my cousins are so united with each other, calling each other, sharing stuff, here I am just being me, no cousins texting or even calling me. This is the fact. Like the bible says, "your family may leave you, but I will not" and it's true. I'm thankful, that I have Jesus. *big smiles* and I'm thankful I have his family with me *bigger smile*

So, I'm not sad on not having my relatives with me. God bless em :) that's all I ask for.

I'm Bored

I'm really bored. This is my 3rd week being home and I feel like a zombie already. I do everything that I have to do within an hour and then I have nothing to do already. Sometimes I space the things I have to do in sections so I can do it with one hour break in between but it doesnt help either. Im really bored. SO bored. Help me. save me. I feel like I really need to go out and get some fresh air. I'm exhausted despite sleeping enough. I think being bored is not fun. I rather be the busy me where I'm just busy around the clock. It's for sure one of the best times. I'm a busy-holic. As much as I dont wish to confess it, but it's the truth. Ahh, I might blog again later perhaps. If I'm too bored and cant kill time. haha. As for now I'm signing off to read something...probably a book. hmm..

Neways,
Love Ya'll :)

Pam.

New Year..New Vision

It's 2012.
The year where many predictions says world will end. 2012 has been the year most awaited. I'm really glad to be able to be in year 2012. I'm looking forward to the year. I know there is so much in store for me this year. Gearing up for the year. Leaving everything to God.

My resolutions list this year is really long. However one of it was to eat right. I've always had eating disorders that I'm not proud of. Hence, I'm going to eliminate that this year. Time to live and glorify the gift God has given to me. this body is the temple of the holy spirit and it's my duty to care for it. :)

Ahh, such a beautiful day. I'm looking forward to the day infact. hemm...somehow I feel Jesus is going to surprise me today :) woots. haha.

Anyways, I'm signing out now. Time to watch some tv and have breakfast. :) ahh bliss.

Love,
Pam :) 

2011 ends

So we are done with Christmas cheer. I dint really have the Christmas I wanted and obviously that means I dint get much gifts. Heh. Christmas is not about the gifts anyway but about the joy :)

I dint do much for Christmas but the fact that there was cakes and cookies just made it seem complete. Dad also cooked a hearty meal on Christmas so it wasnt so bad...I enjoyed Christmas as simple and small it could have been but sure the beginning to a new start. I'm feeling blessed and completely loved already.

I sure miss my KC family. I wished that I spent Christmas with them, but then God had other plans for me, I'm no one to argue..so let God's will be done. I'm grateful. :)

I might have grumbled and was putting up my upset face but it was all waste of effort. lol. It dint really help. Christmas was good after all. Being back here in Ipoh, attending FGA this simple and slow moving atmosphere. it's just what I needed to wind down after a really hard semester. After all, I've not been back for a really long time to FGA so it was good all together. :) The fact I missed Gen-1 and Infuse Christmas parties were just sad. However, honestly it has always been hard to fit in and I still feel hard to fit in into Infuse. sigh. Wish that there was the welcoming spirit. Guess I've to work on my perception and not let the past experiences to totally allow my self to shun them down. After all we are all trying. In this battle together.

Great, I'm wrapping up my post, since it's the end of 2011, I wish everyone a blessed new year.

I've had a really good 2011, I know 2012 is going to be better. :) Once U pick Jesus he'll never let you down :)
Yeap, I'm excited for the fruitful 2012.

Have a great time ushering the new year in. :)

Love
Pam.